— No Visitors Yet

Dear Visitors: I’m sorry for the loss of your wife. This kind of grief — recent and all-encompassing — can be very hard and we have to take it day-by-day. Loved ones are often at a loss for how to meaningfully help. So, a kind directness is going to be your best friend here. Tell the kids the truth: you love them, but you don’t have the capacity right now. Tell them that phone calls and emails are really what will help you the most right now. Sometimes people need to be given a little guidance for how to show up. They’ll appreciate the nudge, and you’ll all have better, less stressful (virtual) visits.

Dear Eric: Our daughter-in-law recently turned 40, and they had a large party, to celebrate, at their house. We were not invited but were asked to take care of their dog while they went to a family camp for a week prior to the party. We have had a somewhat contentious relationship over the years, but I thought we were doing so much better recently. We both feel hurt at having been excluded. Do you think we should just let it go? We’re feeling a bit used!

— Not the Dogsitters

Dear Dogsitters: I understand your hurt but, thinking generously, it’s possible that your daughter-in-law considered asking you to help with their dog to be a way of including you. It certainly could read as a peace offering; she wouldn’t ask someone she still has hard feelings about to care for a beloved pet. See if you can bring up your feelings in a way that doesn’t feel charged. Think of it as a temperature check. When repairing a relationship, we often have to overcommunicate to make sure everyone is on the same page.

Dear Eric: Even typing this makes me seem ungrateful, but here we go. My husband is a gift-giver; it is how he shows his love. He is also a collector of many things (as is the rest of his family) and I am not. I am a practical person by nature. Sometimes his gifts are too numerous or just impractical (for example, he gives me a gift every day of December as an “Advent calendar”).

The fact of the matter is, I don’t need or want all these gifts despite them being thoughtful and sweet. This is not just a Christmas event, it is for my birthday, Valentine’s Day, Easter, our anniversary, etc. I have tried saying that I don’t need all these things, but he says that he enjoys looking for them and giving them to me. How can we strike a compromise? I don’t want to hurt his feelings, and our marriage is strong aside from this issue.

— Too Many Gifts

Dear Gifts: It might seem to some to be a champagne problem, but too much champagne can be a real problem. There are two sides to gift giving: the intention and the impact. Generally, I think it does everyone a lot of good to weigh the intention more than the impact. Or, more simply, it’s the thought that counts. But in your case the impact — an accumulation of thoughtful things that you don’t need — is crowding out the intention.

First, what’s the way that you like to show and be shown love? That’s important here. If there are ways to divert your husband’s energies so that he still gets joy from giving but you also get joy from getting, it’s a win all around.

However, if you prefer acts of service, for instance, and he loves to have something tangible to wrap and bestow, you’re still going to be a bit misaligned. In that case, you might try talking with him specifically about practicality. Sure, it might not initially light his heart up to go shopping for a new set of silverware or a replacement printer, for instance, he’ll come around when he sees you actually using and enjoying the gifts. A conversation is a great place to start, but a list will also be helpful here. You might also suggest that he look for things that you both can enjoy together. Maybe it’s a board game, maybe it’s something less tangible, like an excursion or a date night. By broadening his concept of a good gift, while narrowing the definition of a good gift for you, you’ll find yourselves aligned more.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

People who are likely well-intentioned, ask how he is doing and when we respond that he is doing well despite the progression of his disease and that he handles his very challenging situation with grace and little complaint, they then follow up with questions about what he is doing, does he have plans to work and then oftentimes even start suggesting jobs that he could consider.

These people have no idea the challenges that he faces every day, and my husband and I feel that, as long as he is happy and satisfied, that is all that matters. We try to explain that having a job would create a lot of stress for him and would require my husband to be with him to assist at all times. Additionally, one item that we do not feel the need to share is that if he earned basically any more than minimum wage, he would lose his benefits.

We don’t think that we owe anyone an explanation and despite trying to briefly and kindly respond to their questions, they inevitably continue to press on about the topic.

We appreciate people asking about him but would also appreciate it if they would accept our response and move on to other topics of conversation. How can we reply to these insensitive interrogations without coming across as defensive or angry?

— Done Explaining

Dear Explaining: One option is to offer less in the way of an update. A simple “he’s doing well, thank you,” gives the well-intentioned inquisitor fewer avenues for offering suggestions. Another option is to kindly but firmly remind people that they don’t know what they’re talking about. “Oh, we’ve thought through all of that and more. Trust me, this is exactly where we need to be. We’ve had 30 years of practice navigating this, so we’ve become experts. It would take 30 years to catch you up, and I don’t want to bore you.”

You’re correct that you don’t owe anyone an explanation. So, whichever path you choose, also know that it’s perfectly fine — and not at all defensive — to interrupt a suggestion you never asked for and change the subject.

Dear Eric: My mother and her caretaker came to visit for two days. My mother has some form of dementia, even though we all feel that at times she plays it up.

My mother never missed an opportunity to hit or slap me as a child and once even broke a wooden fanny wacker over my head, which really enraged her. I think you get the picture.

Anyway, we went to dinner, and she looked at me and said, “Oh look, a stray hair,” and pulled it out of my head! She did not try to move it or let me move it over. It was especially upsetting for me because I have been trying to grow my hair out after I lost it all to chemotherapy.

I have made it clear to her caregiver that I will not be coming to visit her anymore. I feel that she has overstepped my physical integrity, and I get the willies whenever she tries to touch me.

During my last visit with her, there were times that she did not know who I was, and I did not feel safe with her.

Am I wrong after this incident to not want to see her again. Despite everything, I have always been a dutiful daughter, but I just feel that she crossed a line this time that I can’t deal with anymore.

— Hurt Daughter

Dear Daughter: Your mother’s abuse in the past is inexcusable. You don’t have to subject yourself to it in the present. You can and should prioritize keeping yourself emotionally and physically safe. Figure out what boundary feels right. That might mean no more physical contact, only phone calls and video visits. This is not cruel abandonment — she has a caretaker and, from your telling, her past behavior and her present capacity may make in-person meetings dangerous for both of you. Talk to her caretaker about the boundary you’re setting and get the caretaker’s help to continue to support your mother in whatever way feels safe without compromising your own well-being.

I know that this phase of life takes a lot of time and mental energy, but when you do find space, please talk to a therapist, counselor or trusted friend about what you experienced. What happened to you wasn’t right and you didn’t deserve it. You deserve the space and time to process it.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

But a potential move would hurt attendance, organizers said, at what they call both the largest dragon boat event in the country and the largest Asian Americans and Pacific Islander event in the Rocky Mountain region. The nonprofit festival draws 150,000 to 200,000 people each July with its colorful races and cultural offerings.

“It would be devastating for us to have to move, because Sloan’s Lake is such the perfect location for it,” said festival executive director Sara Moore. “No matter what, Sloan’s Lake moving forward is going to need some help financially and support from the community.”

This year’s 25th annual event has already been punted from its regular July dates to Sept. 5-6 over health and safety concerns raised by Denver Parks & Recreation, which manages the park and issues permits for its use, and other organizations.

Those concerns include dead fish, increasingly warm and shallow water, blue algae blooms, and a lack of filtration from untreated runoff pouring into the 177-acre lake. In addition to the Dragon Boat Festival, the city has nixed other permits for events at Sloan’s Lake until early fall, said parks department spokeswoman Stephanie Figueroa.

But even with a multimillion-dollar cleanup project looming, the chances of using Sloan’s Lake for future Dragon Boat events look dim. The cleanup planning currently includes a $5 million funding request in the latest version of the proposed $950 million Vibrant Denver bond — down from an initial ask of $40 million.

The bond request received initial approval Monday from the Denver City Council, but more changes could be on the way before it can be put in front of voters this November.

Whatever the amount, the lake needs to be drained and dredged to increase depth and water quality, as well as adding filtration to the water that flows into the lake from various cities and districts, ranging from Lakewood and Wheat Ridge to unincorporated Jefferson County — all of which need to approve the project due to their individual rights to the water, said Kurt Weaver, executive director of the Sloan’s Lake Park Foundation.

“Even if we had all the money in the bank today, it would still be at least one-and-a-half to two years simply for permits and approvals,” Weaver said. “And we don’t have the money.”

Weaver has worked to connect stakeholders in the lake, such as the Sloan’s Lake Watershed Alliance, with visitors, caretakers and commercial and nonprofit users, he said. But while he’s busy identifying EPA and USDA loans, grants and other funding sources to shore up resources, he’s worried the calm surface of Sloan’s Lake conceals the depth of the crisis to most visitors.

As the third most-visited park in the city’s system (behind City Park and Washington Park), Denver Parks & Recreation does a great job of keeping the grass and other features tended, he said. But with an average depth of 3.5 feet, along with steadily rising sediment, the lake is actually in terrible health. So much so that the dragon boats may start scraping the bottom of Sloan’s Lake in the next couple of years.

“Certainly Dragon Boat is our largest customer, and having to move their dates this year was a contentious couple of months trying to figure out what that looks like,” Weaver said. “Nobody wants to be moved because they love their spot. But unfortunately, it’s not going to be their option here soon. If we don’t do something, they literally won’t be able to paddle around the lake.”

He said there are numerous reasons as to why moving the festival would be bad for Denver, including lost revenue from visitors who travel from all over the country to participate. Any town that nabs it would see a financial and cultural boost, he said.

“But when 5,000 fish turn up dead, people tend to notice,” he added, referring to the mass aquatic die-off last summer at Sloan’s Lake. In a single weekend in July 2024, that included at least 400 fish floating belly-up or washing up on shore, according to the city. Algae drains the lake of oxygen, and its shallowness prevents cold, safe pockets for marine life to shelter during high-temperature days in the summer.

“We’ve treated the lake in the past, but stormwater drainage keeps bringing more debris and sand,” Figueroa said. “You can imagine what that does after years and years.”

For her part, Dragon Boat Festival director Moore said she’s “actually getting a lot of positive feedback from people who are glad it’s going to September, because it’s going to be cooler.”

And while she’s looking forward to another banner year for the event, she has also begun searching for new locations — although she declined to provide specifics on where.

“It’s an impending doom that is coming faster than everybody thinks,” Weaver said about the lake. “There are 100 ways this thing is going to go poorly, so we have to start now.”

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Sis and Dad have always been close. I had an OK relationship with both of them, though she and I have never been close. She took on most of his care and I tried to visit a few times a year.

Dad had a paid-off house worth about $250,000. To make probate easy, he “sold” the house to my sister when his health declined. He had said we were to sell the house and split it four ways between me, her and two step-siblings when he passed. Both steps had no contact with him for several years, so she asked me if I minded leaving them out. I said OK.

She sold the house, said she didn’t get much because of issues it had and sent me $10,000. I tried to be OK with this, but a bit more would have been nice. Yes, she deserved more for the time she put into his care.

I found out through a cousin that, after selling the house, my sister paid off her own house, bought her and her daughter brand-new cars and sent her grown daughter and grown grandchild on European tours. I think the part that gets to me is she lied to me. I guess she didn’t have to technically send me anything because it was in her name.

Maybe if she would have told me differently, I wouldn’t have minded as much. But telling me she didn’t get much out of the sale hurts knowing it had to have sold for more than $150,000. I just wonder now if I should say something to her? I am trying to be OK with this, but that was a slap in the face to me. Should I reach out, or let it lie?

— Left Out Sister

Dear Sister: First, the legal: you could, if you want, consult an estate attorney to see about the possibility of suing your dad’s estate. From your description, this could be tricky as much of what was agreed upon seems to have been spoken, instead of written, and the house was in your sister’s name. But if it’s bothering you, that is an option.

However, I think a conversation with your sister — whether or not you talk to an attorney — is going to be more productive. There are some parts of this story that you can check out on your own — the sale price, for instance. But it sounds like what you need most is a way to understand the new shape of your relationship with your sister. Yes, the money is important, but the grief from your father’s death and the confusion around the inheritance have created wounds that money wouldn’t fix. So, talk to your sister. Try to have a conversation that is focused less on accusation than it is on finding some peace for yourself and, perhaps, a new foundation for your relationship with her.

Dear Eric: My 15-year-old granddaughter recently texted me to say “Grandma, I am a lesbian.” I was only mildly surprised because her mom had told me before that she had a “girlfriend.” I texted her back and said whatever she was, I would always love her. And I asked her how long she had known. She said “for a while now. I’ve dated boys and girls, and it just feels better to date girls.” Less than a year ago, this granddaughter bought a T-shirt that said, “I love my boyfriend.” She had dated boys from the time she was about 12. I am just wondering if she is really lesbian or afraid of being with guys?

— Confused Grandmother

Dear Grandmother: It sounds like your granddaughter is still exploring what, and who, is right for her. This is natural for teenagers, and folks of any age. The way she identifies may continue to evolve throughout her life. You’re already doing exactly the right thing: assuring her that you love her for her and will be there for her no matter what.

Even kids who are sure they’re straight have shifting relationships to dating. They might be gaga over one person one day and over another person the next day. All of us get to know new parts of ourselves through love relationships and those discoveries can be surprising, and sometimes confusing. By continuing to listen to her, to show up for her, and to reply with love, you’re letting her know that you’re a safe adult she can confide in and go to for advice on dating or anything else she has questions about. That’s the most important kind of relationship for her to cultivate right now and it will continue to benefit you both as life goes on.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

Several years ago, she began withholding rent, she would only pay when I would ask for additional money due to a large house expense. In no way did her rent even come close to paying the bills any longer. Rather than argue, I left it alone and quietly paid the bills, letting her live off me for at least four years.

Last year, the family realized that they could no longer keep up the expenses on the home, so it was sold. I arranged with the new owner to let my daughter stay for a monthly rent. She then suddenly moved out, never reached out at Christmas and was gone with me having no idea where to.

I have been shut out; she no longer texts me and I have heard virtually nothing for months.

Am I the bad guy here? I am not sure what to do, I am beside myself with grief for the loss of my only daughter and her kids. Should I just let this go? We are getting older, and my husband is not well so it would be nice to at least have family around. His siblings no longer speak with him since the sale of the house, which was quite a mess. Let me know who you think should be the first to try and salvage any sense of relationship.

— Mourning Mom

Dear Mom: You’re not the bad guy. You did more than enough to keep your daughter afloat, even at the expense of your own peace of mind and wallet. This is not about you. It’s about her and her actions. I know this is a cold comfort, but it may help to recognize that you’ve been harmed here.

It’s also possible that her actions also contributed to the conflict around the sale. This isn’t to say that she’s the bad guy. There are people who are hurting and there are people who are letting their hurt hurt others. The book “When Parents Hurt” by Joshua Coleman may offer you some insight and solace. It’s possible the foundations of this split may have been laid years ago, and perhaps you’ve been trying to fix a faulty foundation with financial support. It wasn’t the wrong thing to do, but it’s left you without a solution now. Focusing on your own healing, and perhaps seeing a family therapist with your husband, will help you reframe some of this.

Dear Eric: For many years, three friends and I have gotten together for lunch once a month. The venue changes each time, and we decide then where and when we will meet the next month.

Three of us write down the information and the fourth person may or may not jot it down.

The next month comes and three of us show up at the appointed time. Pat does not. So, someone calls her to remind her, even though a reminder message is sent to everyone that morning before we meet. She says she forgot, and we wait for her to come.

This last week it happened again. I strongly urged the others not to call her — that the natural consequence is that she misses joining us this time. One of the other gals said she was absolutely calling her, that we can’t give up on our longtime friend. To me it is not giving up on her, but it may suggest that she be more responsible. Who is right? Or do we just continue to enable her?

— No More Reminders

Dear Reminders: If this has been going on for years, it seems likely that Pat is no longer being irresponsible but rather just following the pattern that the four of you long ago established. Now, to me, this is chaotic — if something isn’t on my calendar, it doesn’t happen. But Pat works in a different way, apparently sitting at home waiting to be summoned to various locations. I’m not saying it’s the best way; but it’s reality.

You don’t have to participate by calling Pat, but I think you set yourself up for on-going conflict if you keep pressing the issue. If others of your friends are willing to keep calling Pat to remind her, let them. You might talk to Pat directly about how waiting around impacts the group, and I’d encourage you to talk to your other two friends about ways that you can maximize the time you have together so that you’re not just twiddling your thumbs waiting for Pat. But I don’t think anyone needs to be right here.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

If you’ve got dogs lazing outside your storefront, chances are I’ll stop in.

Good thing I was going to Mike’s Bikes anyway. The East Denver location of the California-based chain is tucked behind an AMC Theatre, near the end of a nondescript block at Colorado Boulevard’s 9+Co. development. And yet biking enthusiasts pour in and out of the store every day, petting gentle sentries Scout (a labradoodle) and Peach (a bassett hound/lab/husky mix) as they rep the good vibes inside.

My 12-year-old son’s bike recently threw a gear, prompting not only a new bike search, but also new helmets for him, my daughter and me — of which Mike’s naturally carries various styles and price ranges. We opted for ones with Mips protection, a brain-safety layer that should be familiar to most cyclists, “designed to move slightly in the event of an impact (and) … redirect rotational motion away from the head,” according to Mips’ website.

Standard stuff at most bike shops, sure. And Colorado has no shortage of great ones (local chains, even!).

Non-standard, however, in my experience, was the kind, patient reception my 8-year-old daughter Lucy received. A friendly young employee walked her through bikes, helmets, gloves and more without the pressured sales pitch or superiority complex, giving my daughter space to envision herself speeding down the street on one of these many beautiful frames.

She learned to ride a little later than most kids, and the assumption she’s already totally confident is something I’ve felt from other bike shop employees (perhaps understandably, given the rabid cycling culture of the Front Range).

Mike’s Bikes East Denver made all of us feel welcome, despite our lack of experience, cycling jargon and, well, budget. We ended up buying a pair of new helmets, then returning for a tube next week when we needed it. I can’t help but want to go there next time I need anything cycling-related (and because it’s close to my Park Hill North home). Repairs, test rides, quickly answered questions, and free Tuesday tech clinics give me plenty of excuses to drop in. And the window shopping. Oh, the window shopping.

Despite its foot traffic, Mike’s Bikes East Denver still feels somewhat undiscovered, having changed over from Elevation Cycles in November 2022 after the latter sold its four Front Range locations to Mike’s (as of June, there’s now a fifth Mike’s in Boulder). And as for the dogs? They’re “an extremely integral part of the store,” according to manager Jack Lafleur, and they love the children who stop in. My kids and I would concur.

Mike’s Bikes East Denver, 821 Ash St., Denver. Open 10 a.m.-6 p.m. Monday-Saturday, and 10 a.m.-4 p.m. Sundays. Call 720-573-9988 or visit mikesbikes.com/pages/denver-east.

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One of my brothers-in-law is married and has a stepdaughter.

The stepdaughter became engaged, and we were told that since she was paying for her own wedding, they had no say in the invite list and we all may receive an invite or not. Mind you this daughter was invited to any event we had, including my kids’ weddings. At my daughter’s wedding she responded that she was coming but was a no show.

The save the dates went out and we were not invited along with one sister-in-law. Everyone else was invited and attended. I feel excluded and snubbed. I have been dwelling on this way too much but don’t understand.

There were never any words or any rift. My brother-in-law who is the stepfather is close with my husband. When I spoke to a few of his siblings, I was told she wanted a small wedding (there were 150 people that went) and I should be happy because of the expense of the hotel.

I was going to have a 70th birthday party for my husband but have decided to have a quiet dinner with my kids and grandchildren.

I would also like to have no contact with them moving forward and I told my husband this. He feels I’m too sensitive, which added salt to the wound. He can have any relationship he wants with them, but I want out, personally.

Am I in the wrong? I just can’t see myself in their company and feeling comfortable.

— Excluded

Dear Excluded: You have every right to feel the way you do. And, to your point, it seems pointed to invite six out of the eight siblings. But — and this is a big but — the family is large, even without considering the niece’s mother’s family, the father’s family, her friends and the family of the person she married.

Even with 150 guests, options start to narrow. So, grant her a little grace.

And, more importantly, don’t take her wedding invite list out on her parents. They told you they didn’t have any control over the invites and it’s best to take that at face value. While you’ve been kind to the niece, you and she don’t have as close a relationship as you do with others in the family. That’s OK. It’s also OK to have bruised feelings about it. You reached out your hand and she didn’t reach back and that can hurt.

It also sounds like other members of the family are trying to offer comfort and sympathy by telling you you didn’t miss anything. Try to accept that.

And then try to let it go, for your sake and for your husband’s. Going no contact with branches of the family, who also didn’t have control over the invites, is only going to hurt him.

Dear Eric: My wife and I are a white couple in our mid-70s. We have numerous Black friends and acquaintances we see frequently at our church and workplace. Everybody is very cordial, and our conversations share insights into each other’s goings-on (family, friends, et cetera).

What is discomforting to us is we are often addressed as “Miss Jane” and “Mr. John” rather than simply Jane and John. We’re sure all intentions are respectful. We hate to think there is a racial element involved and hope it is just a matter of cultural mannerisms. We don’t notice this “title” formality with one Black person to another, even among those in our age bracket. We don’t want to be rude if addressing this issue would be somehow offensive.

Any thoughts on this?

— Informal Request

Dear Request: Don’t be afraid to ask people to call you what you’re most comfortable being called. For instance, “It would mean so much if you’d just call me John; it’s how I know we’re friends.” Something short and sweet like that.

It’s unclear to me whether the formality is related to your particular region, a particular subculture or even your standing in your community. Or all of the above. But, if you’re noticing that these honorifics aren’t universally applied, it stands to reason you have the power to do away with them without being thought rude.

Now, if your friends and acquaintances protest, that’s an opportunity for you to dig a little deeper, with respect. “Would you mind telling me more about why you’d feel more comfortable with Mr. John rather than John?” And then listen to what they have to say. Even if you don’t agree with the reasoning, it might give you insight into how you’re seen and how you and your friends can better see each other.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

They frequently talk over each other and interrupt people all the time because they can’t seem to tell if someone else is speaking.

What’s really annoying is they keep telling me to speak up, then complain when I do so. They accuse me of mumbling, but everyone else understands me just fine.

I have to repeat myself over and over again, increasing my volume each time until they say, “don’t yell at me!”

I keep telling them that if they keep asking me to speak up until they can hear me, they shouldn’t complain when I finally reach a volume they can hear. Any thoughts?

— Raising Voices

Dear Voices: Navigating hearing loss can be tough. Sometimes it’s an issue of pride, sometimes people don’t realize how much they’re missing and have gotten used to getting by. It can be difficult to convince friends who haven’t found the right medical solution to keep trying.

But, in a non-charged moment, talk to them about what you’re seeing and encourage them to visit an audiologist, perhaps a different one than the doctor they saw before. Remind them that hearing loss is associated with an increased risk of developing dementia and that, according to the National Institute of Health, using hearing aids can help reduce the rate of cognitive decline in older adults by up to 50 percent. Additionally, hearing aids can help reduce social isolation by helping those experiencing hearing loss to better engage with conversation and the world around them. There are many benefits, but like many medical remedies, they sometimes take a minute to get used to.

Perhaps by focusing on their personal well-being and continued health, you’ll help them see that you’re not complaining simply for the sake of complaining, but rather because you want the best for them and for your friendship.

Dear Eric: My ex-husband and I have been divorced for more than 20 years. We see each other at family functions and are very cordial and polite with each other, as I am to his girlfriend, who attends them all.

Neither of us remarried. He has been in this relationship with this female for many years but they don’t live together.

When our sons had their first babies (a boy and a girl, now 9) my ex wanted the family to refer to his girlfriend as Nonna. Our sons immediately shut that idea down, stating that their children have a grandmother and that they would refer to his girlfriend by her first name out of respect for their mother and especially not to confuse the children.

Recently, while attending an afternoon visit at one of my son’s, my daughter-in-law and I were having a conversation about my 9-year-old grandson while he was in the backyard with his dad and 6-year-old brother. In the conversation my DIL was relaying something that my grandson said about my ex-husband’s girlfriend and referred to her as “Nonna.”

Immediately, I asked “is he referring to his grandfather’s girlfriend as Nonna now?” He never had before nor had anyone else in the family. She replied “yes!”

I immediately said that I was not comfortable with that and that it really bothers me since I am clearly not dead. (And don’t plan to go anywhere any time soon.)

Here’s my question: Is there an unwritten rule for living grandmothers who have a great relationship with their grandchildren and their grandfathers’ girlfriends who want to share that very special title. (By the way, said girlfriend already has enough of her very own grandchildren)

— Carissima Nonna

Dear Nonna: The problem with unwritten rules is — you guessed it — they’re not recorded in writing, so time and circumstance tend to shift them around. Now, you made your preference clear, and your son and daughter-in-law honored that, but somehow things have shifted.

Obviously, I can’t say for sure, but it’s possible that your grandson has started to think of grandmother figures in general as Nonnas and is using it as a blanket term, rather than a specific term of endearment for you. Any of the adults involved could have provided an alternative (“Oh, I’m Nonna Stephanie,” or what-have-you) and it would’ve saved some consternation. But, somehow, they didn’t.

So, try to re-frame the situation as it stands currently. Your relationship with your grandson remains unique and special. You’re not being replaced nor forgotten. I know the name has special meaning for you, but, as with Grandma or Grammy or any other nomenclature, try to remember that he’ll always know which one he’s calling when he uses it, and the history and future of each relationship will always be distinct.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

While our relationships are good, I have found that my desire for close family bonds has gotten stronger as I get older, especially in the past several years when I’ve been living several hours’ travel away from my blood family. I really want to keep an active interchange going with all three. At the same time, I don’t want to seem like Mama hanging over them.

How do I figure out the right frequency for casual texts, shares, etc.? What else can I do to stay part of their lives? I want to be a warm and welcome presence, not a drag.

— Boundary-Loving Mom

Dear Mom: This is such a lovely concern and because it’s rooted in love (and good boundaries), I suspect you have less to fear than you might think. What’s most important to remember is that you are an equal part of the mother-son relationship and you can ask for what you need.

Yes, your sons are continuing to expand and establish their lives, but you’re still a part of those lives. And, likely, a very welcome one at that. Good relationships thrive on clear, open communication. Sometimes that means calling, texting or visiting when you want to and letting them adjust the cadence as need be. Other times, that means having a conversation about what level of contact feels good for everyone involved. Maybe you’ll find that they aren’t big on texts but welcome phone calls, or vice versa.

You’re not a burden. And it will be easier for your sons to keep showing you their love if you let them know how life is changing for you, just as they’re letting you know how life is changing for them. Keep talking to them, keep listening to what they’re asking for and keep sharing what you need to feel loved and supported, as well.

Dear Eric: Sarah and I have been friends for 20 years. In that time, our families have become close, even going on holiday together several times.

Initially, I was also a stay-at-home mom, like she is, but now I hold a job where I keep very long hours and am responsible for the welfare of more than a hundred very vulnerable people.

I have tried to keep in touch, even as my life has become busier, and it tends to fall to me to organize get-togethers.

In the last year, I have experienced the loss of a parent. Now I am supporting my remaining parent, who is in rapidly declining health, as well as paying bills and arranging home care. This requires frequent visits several hundred miles away. My husband has also had significant health concerns and has required a great deal of support. Sarah is aware of all of this.

Two months ago, I received a text from Sarah berating me for my lack of attention. She said that if we could make time for each other when the kids were small and life was busier, then she didn’t understand why I wasn’t making time for her now. Eric, my life has never been so busy!

I replied as kindly as I could, and offered several suggestions for us to catch up, including inviting her to my home for dinner. I have had no response since.

My instinct is telling me that this isn’t friendship, and that I should quietly walk away and focus on the many other worries and responsibilities that I have. Sarah is very volatile — she once cut me off for more than a year due to an imaginary slight. However, I really do care about Sarah, and I am worried that she is genuinely hurting.

Am I in the wrong here? Should I try again to reach out? Or do I accept that more than 20 years of friendship are now over?

— Overwhelmed

Dear Overwhelmed: Trust your instincts. Sarah may, indeed, be hurting, but it isn’t because of anything you’ve done. Moreover, by taking that hurt out on you, she’s created chaos when what you need is care. She’s not being a good friend right now and I’m sorry for that because you need a friend. What you’re going through is incredibly tough and taxing. These periods in our lives require the empathy and active support of those who love us.

Though it’s unfair, take her recent silence as a gift. At some point, when you have more bandwidth, you may want to talk with her about how her behavior affected you. And I hope she’s able to make amends. But right now, focus your energy on people who can show up for you and help you carry your load.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

We didn’t fight or argue, and I am at a loss as to what triggered her declaration. This has taken me totally by surprise. I thought we had a good marriage, with occasional ups and downs. There are no abuse, addiction or infidelity issues. I worked my whole life and am now retired. As soon as we had children, she was able to stay at home and lived comfortably raising our children and taking care of the household. The children have sided with their mom and won’t speak to me. I think she has poisoned them against me, but don’t see the gain in her doing that.

I am miserable. I am 74 with neurological mobility issues. I fear that I will fall, and no one will be around. Senior housing for me is too expensive and will deplete our planned retirement resources. We were counting on eventually selling our summer home to supplement our finances later in life. This is no longer possible as I am living in that house. This is not how I wanted the last chapters of my life to end.

I have had five sessions of therapy with no results. My therapist says I’m not at risk to myself or others and I am perpetually slightly depressed but not debilitated. Without more concrete information, he cannot help me. I am not a bad person, yet here I am.

— Totally Betrayed

Dear Betrayed: First off, I’m concerned about the therapist’s response. Even without major depression, a therapist can help you process the shock of your separation and plan your next steps. So, you should set an appointment with another therapist with those stated goals up front.

I’m not sure whether the lack of “concrete information” indicates a failing of the therapist’s or indicates that you’re holding back. Therapy can help us acknowledge the things that we refuse to admit to ourselves, but you can also start to do some of this work on your own, if there are parts of your story that you haven’t included. It’s concerning, for instance, that your children have stopped speaking to you. Without more information, I can’t say what that’s about, but it suggests that there’s something you need to unpack. It’s useful to ask yourself what that is.

It’s equally important that you find safety and stability. Talk to a divorce lawyer and a financial planner about what has happened and what needs to happen moving forward. They can help you sort out the issues with the house and retirement. Talk to your doctor about the possibility of a home health aide or a connection to a social worker. There are options out there for you.

I’m sorry that you feel blindsided by this. But accepting that this is what is happening right now and taking proactive steps will keep you safe.

Dear Eric: I have been friends with Hal since high school; we are both in our late 70s. Hal is well off financially and he and his wife have no children. Hal has invited me to stay at his home, and we have traveled together numerous times. The problem is that he is a cheapskate, always looking for bargains and freebies. Hal has scored a bargain plane ticket and has invited himself to stay with my wife and me for five days. He is too cheap to stay at a hotel and rent a car and expects me to provide lodging and transportation. My wife really doesn’t want to spend that much time with this tightwad. Am I obligated to him and how can I say no?

— Guest Room Closed

Dear Guest Room: As with any prospective guest, you can always tell Hal that it’s not a good time for visitors. But before you hang the “No Vacancy” sign up, consider Hal’s perspective. If you’ve stayed over at his place, doesn’t it stand to reason that he’d think of a stay at your place not as an imposition but rather just part of your friendship? With that view, this may be less a cheapskate’s way out and more just one friend asking for a favor returned from another friend. Or, even, a desire to have some quality time.

Now, if your wife doesn’t care for Hal, that’s another story. You needn’t impose on her simply to appease him. But there’s nothing inherently wrong with being a bargain hunter or wanting to save money on a hotel if you’ve got a nearby friend. Personally, I’d suggest he rent a car, though. Five days of chauffeuring will likely grate on you.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)